Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire...

Is this your vision of Christmas? If you live in England, it might be, along with lighting a Yule log and gathering with your extended family to eat a traditional pudding. Or maybe you're from Australia and your family always goes to the beach on Christmas. For those in intercultural marriages, expectations and culture clashes can cause conflict around the holidays.

For example, what if you expect turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving, but your wife wants to make lamb, rice and baklava? What if your husband always put the Christmas tree up on Christmas Eve, but you want to put up the tree and decorate it the day after Thanksgiving, because that's how your family always did it? What if one spouse wants the kids to believe in Santa Claus, but the other one doesn't? What if your in-laws expect you to drive 8 hours to visit them and a huge mish-mash of siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles (including that person no one really seems to know...), but you were hoping for a quiet holiday at home?

Issues like these can wreak havoc in a marriage unless couples discuss their holiday expectations with each other. In my book, Your Intercultural Marriage: A Guide to a Healthy, Happy Relationship, I offer an in-depth discussion of the holidays and how intercultural couples can graciously create a holiday season that is enjoyable for their families. Here are few questions to help couples sort out their values, customs, traditions and preferences with regard to celebrating the holidays:    

 

What traditional holidays do you celebrate in your culture? Which are the "biggest" or most important to you?
How did/does your family of origin celebrate these holidays? What do you like specifically about their traditions?
Which of your family's traditions would you like to incorporate into our own family? Which do you NOT want to incorporate?
Which foods do you eat on each holiday? Which traditional foods are your favorite? (For instance, my grandma's turkey dressing, my aunt Jana's cheesy mashed potatoes, and my mom's applesauce cake are out of this world!!! I eat them every Thanksgiving.)
What are your thoughts about Santa Claus/St. Nick? Do you want to tell our kids that they bring gifts on Christmas, or not? 
Did your family tend to spend a lot of money on holiday gifts? Do they expect to receive expensive gifts or money from us for the holidays? If so, what kind, and how much?
What religious or spiritual traditions do you follow on the holidays? Why are these important to you? Do you plan to keep these after marriage?
Describe a typical Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter with your family.
What values and traditions do we want to teach our children during the holidays? 
What are your expectations regarding us visiting your parents or family for the holidays? Are you open to us alternating between visiting my family and your family?

I hope these are helpful to you! If you have additional suggestions, please post a comment here! Thanks so much. Happy Thanskgiving and Merry Christmas to you!