Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire...

Is this your vision of Christmas? If you live in England, it might be, along with lighting a Yule log and gathering with your extended family to eat a traditional pudding. Or maybe you're from Australia and your family always goes to the beach on Christmas. For those in intercultural marriages, expectations and culture clashes can cause conflict around the holidays.

For example, what if you expect turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving, but your wife wants to make lamb, rice and baklava? What if your husband always put the Christmas tree up on Christmas Eve, but you want to put up the tree and decorate it the day after Thanksgiving, because that's how your family always did it? What if one spouse wants the kids to believe in Santa Claus, but the other one doesn't? What if your in-laws expect you to drive 8 hours to visit them and a huge mish-mash of siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles (including that person no one really seems to know...), but you were hoping for a quiet holiday at home?

Issues like these can wreak havoc in a marriage unless couples discuss their holiday expectations with each other. In my book, Your Intercultural Marriage: A Guide to a Healthy, Happy Relationship, I offer an in-depth discussion of the holidays and how intercultural couples can graciously create a holiday season that is enjoyable for their families. Here are few questions to help couples sort out their values, customs, traditions and preferences with regard to celebrating the holidays:    

 

What traditional holidays do you celebrate in your culture? Which are the "biggest" or most important to you?
How did/does your family of origin celebrate these holidays? What do you like specifically about their traditions?
Which of your family's traditions would you like to incorporate into our own family? Which do you NOT want to incorporate?
Which foods do you eat on each holiday? Which traditional foods are your favorite? (For instance, my grandma's turkey dressing, my aunt Jana's cheesy mashed potatoes, and my mom's applesauce cake are out of this world!!! I eat them every Thanksgiving.)
What are your thoughts about Santa Claus/St. Nick? Do you want to tell our kids that they bring gifts on Christmas, or not? 
Did your family tend to spend a lot of money on holiday gifts? Do they expect to receive expensive gifts or money from us for the holidays? If so, what kind, and how much?
What religious or spiritual traditions do you follow on the holidays? Why are these important to you? Do you plan to keep these after marriage?
Describe a typical Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter with your family.
What values and traditions do we want to teach our children during the holidays? 
What are your expectations regarding us visiting your parents or family for the holidays? Are you open to us alternating between visiting my family and your family?

I hope these are helpful to you! If you have additional suggestions, please post a comment here! Thanks so much. Happy Thanskgiving and Merry Christmas to you!

GREAT Questions for Intercultural Couples

Here are some of the most important questions to ask before entering an intercultural marriage:

1) What are your spiritual beliefs? Do you attend church? Do you read the Bible or other religious books? How involved are you in spiritual activities?

2) What types of food and drink do you enjoy? At what times do you typically eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner? How often do you go out to eat? Do you like to cook?

3) Which holidays do you celebrate? What traditions and foods does your family enjoy on these holidays?

4) Are you an early bird or a night owl? How does this affect your daily schedule? What does your "perfect day" look like?

5) Do you consider yourself an optimist, a pessimist, a realist, or something else? When you face a difficult situation, what tends to be your first response?

6) How do you deal with interpersonal conflict? Do you tend to fight or take flight? How did your family of origin handle conflict?

7) What type of work do you do? What type of work do you expect to do after marriage?

8) Do you plan to attend graduate school or seminary, get additional work training, or take other educational courses after marriage?

9) What is your current financial situation? How much debt do you have?

10) Do you want to have children? If so, how many, and when? What is your perspective on marital intimacy? Do you believe in using birth control?  

11) How would you describe your relationship with your parents, siblings, and other family members? What was your parents' marriage like?

If you're in an intercultural marriage (or considering one) and you are looking for helpful resources on the topic, check these out:
Additional Resources for Intercultural Couples

Intercultural Marriage: Promises and Pitfalls, 3rd edition, by Dugan Romano
Mixed Matches by Joel Crohn
101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged by H. Norman Wright and Gary J. Oliver
Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
Before You Say I Do by H. Norman Wright
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Les and Leslie Parrott
How to Save Your Marriage Alone by Ed Wheat
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
Your Intercultural Marriage: A Guide to a Healthy, Happy Relationship by Marla Alupoaicei

Bardwell Steps Down

On Nov. 3, Keith Bardwell stepped down from office as a justice of the peace in Louisiana. The governor as well as many other officials had called for Bardwell's resignation after receiving complaints about Bardwell's stance against granting marriage licenses to interracial couples. This is a victory for intercultural/interracial couples in Louisiana! See below for more details.