Sticking Together through the Four Seasons of Marriage

The Four Stages of Marriage
 
"The development of a good marriage is not a natural process. It is an achievement." -David and Vera Mace
 
Just as a person journeys through the stages of childhood, adolescence, and adulthood, every marriage passes through seasons of fruitfulness and seasons of dryness. In his book The Four Seasons of Marriage, Gary Chapman writes:
 
My experience, both in my own marriage and in counseling couples for more than thirty years, suggests that marriages are perpetually in a state of transition, continually moving from one season to another. . . . Sometimes we find ourselves in winter . . . other times we experience springtime, with its openness, hope, and anticipation. On still other occasions we bask in the warmth of summer—comfortable, relaxed, enjoying life. And then comes fall with its uncertainty, negligence, and apprehension. The cycle repeats itself many times throughout the life of a marriage, just as the seasons repeat themselves in nature. 
 
Think about the stage your own relationship may be in as you read the descriptions of each season below.
 
Spring
 Marriages begin in the honeymoon period of spring, with the soaring emotions that accompany the experience of falling head-over-heels in love with a person from another culture. One newlywed describes her marriage this way: “It’s full of joy! It’s exciting to watch our relationship grow and develop. That ‘in love’ high just deepens and becomes richer each day. Every day is an opportunity to find a way to live out my love for my husband.”
 
            Summer
            The summer season of marriage manifests a deepening of love, a strengthening of a couple’s connection to each other. The initial honeymoon effects of spring may have waned, but summer marriages reflect a sense of security, commitment, and satisfaction. Julia, married for sixteen years, says: “Summer feels good. We’re on the same page, and that makes our marriage fun. It opens up my heart to communication.”
 
Fall
            Fall is the prelude to winter. Couples in the fall season recognize that the winds of change are blowing and that their relationship is facing trouble. A man who has been married for thirty-one years said, “I feel dejected, disheartened, and unappreciated. It’s not a good place to be. I am not content with my marriage. Something has got to change or we’re not going to make it.”
 
Winter
            The winter season of marriage is characterized by stormy weather: emotions of hurt, anger, disappointment, loneliness, grief, and rejection. Dr. Chapman writes, “What brings a couple to the winter season of marriage? In a word: rigidity—the unwillingness to consider the other person’s perspective and to work toward a meaningful compromise.”                 
What’s a couple in the winter season to do? These seven strategies, outlined in greater detail in the book The Four Seasons of Marriage, will enable a struggling intercultural couple to move through winter toward spring.
 
1. Deal with past failures.
2. Choose a winning attitude.
3. Learn to speak your spouse’s love language.
4. Develop the awesome power of empathetic listening.
5. Discover the joy of helping your spouse succeed.
6. Maximize your differences.
7. Implement the power of positive influence.
 
Every marriage will pass through these seasons, but thankfully, winter doesn’t last forever. Spring is right around the corner! My prayer is that understanding the implications of these intercultural marriage models and patterns will help you improve your communication as a couple. Practicing these principles will empower you and your spouse to create deeper bonds of love and unity as an intercultural couple. 

*This material is drawn from Marla Alupoaicei's book Your Intercultural Marriage: A Guide to a Healthy, Happy Relationship (Moody Publishers, June 2009). To order, see amazon.com/Your-Intercultural-Marriage-Healthy-Relationship/dp/0802418546/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1239998973&sr=1-3. Enjoy!