Questions to Ask before Entering an Intercultural Marriage

I’ve received several e-mails and encountered several friends lately who are considering entering intercultural marriage. They have questions like, Is this the right man/woman for me? How can I know what I’m getting myself into? What can I expect from intercultural marriage?
     
      Much of it depends on you, your background and beliefs as well as the other person's background and life experience. To help you make this vital decision, I’ll provide a few helpful questions that you can ask yourself before you take this wonderful “Leap of Faith”!  
     
      1. First of all, are you truly in love with him or her? Intercultural marriage does provide countless joys and benefits to your life. I can’t imagine life without my amazing husband, Catalin! But it can also be challenging at times. You need God’s hand in your life, plus a strong bond of love and commitment, to make it. Also, be sure that you are on the same page theologically. You may need to ask some tough questions about what your soon-to-be spouse believes on a wide variety of topics such as going to church, baptism, communion, salvation, etc. You might be surprised how much a person’s theology affects his or her practice. For example, his or her attitude toward child rearing, wearing makeup or jewelry, sickness and death, what he or she believes about birth control and a wide variety of other topics can be influenced by his or her spiritual and cultural beliefs.
     
      2. Talk to your beloved and come to a clear decision about where you are going to live, because you don’t want to have any surprises there, and where you live will have a profound impact on your life. Ask yourself whether you are willing - now or any time in the future - to leave your family and culture to live in your spouse’s home country or somewhere else. Also, do you want to raise your children in those environments? If not, you need to be sure that your spouse is fine - REALLY - with the idea of living in the States permanently. When my husband asked me to marry him, I thought I would be moving to Romania, and I was excited to do that because I loved the orphan ministry that we were working for. It ended up that he wanted to come to the States, though, to get an education and to work. Find out these things about your fiance, as well.    
       
      3. Have you been to visit the person and his/her family in their home environment? If not, definitely do this before you decide to get married. Go and see him/her interact in his or her home environment before you make the decision. He/she could act radically different or have different expectations for you in his/her home environment that he/she might not have in the States.
     
      4. Find out whether he/she plans to have his or her parents or siblings visit you (and stay in your home for long periods of time) or move in with you permanently at some point. This is very common among intercultural spouses, but it can cause stress, arguments, and marital strain for American spouses who aren’t used to living with other people or couples. If your beloved does plan to do this, you need to seriously consider whether or not you are okay with it! And if not, discuss your expectations and boundaries clearly with your spouse and stick to them. In May, my mother-in-law, Maria, came to the States for my husband’s graduation. She stayed for three weeks. We enjoyed her visit and it was good that we had set a specific time limit for her visit so that we were all on the same page. 
     
      5. Most important of all - PRAY. Pray for your beloved, pray for yourself and both of your families. Pray for wisdom about whether to “take the leap.” Gather a team of family and friends to pray for you! And definitely consider marriage counseling. Now would be a good time, even if you go by yourself for a few sessions to have the counselor or pastor help you decide whether or not you should marry him/her. Then I would go to counseling as a couple as much as possible, too. You most likely will need to go over the next few years as intercultural issues arise. It’s worth it to save your marriage!
     
      Let me know if this is helpful to you or if you have other specific questions/issues about intercultural marriage that you’d like me to address on Leap of Faith! Thank you.